I attended a meditation session at the Tibetan Mongolian Buddhist Cultural Center in Bloomington, Indiana several (many?) years ago. I drove up there one early weekend morning still drunk from the night before and ended up sitting on a meditation pillow in the Chamtse Ling temple. I struggled with shame, wondering whether the person next to me could smell the alcohol combined with a general angst of wtf am I doing here. The night before had been one of those achy breaky attempts to numb the pain with vodka. I am a smart person. Why it took me years to learn that as a depressant, alcohol does not cure depression, I will never know.
No meditation was accomplished, not a second of mental calm was to be claimed that morning. In spite of my inebriated state, I did walk away with one of my most profound mental shifts. Fittingly, the meditation leader had introduced me to drunk monkey mind. She explained that as humans, we never quit thinking. Our mind is possessed with drunk monkeys who screech and jump around, flinging their shit and disrupting our peace. (I remember opening one eye to peek to see if she was looking at me. She was not.) These are the thoughts that keep you up some nights and tell you what a piece of shit you are. She went on to explain, that we are not drunk monkey. Our true self lies in the emptiness between the thoughts. I have also heard it explained as we are the movie screen, large and blank, and our thoughts are the movies played upon that screen.
Our true self shines through in our actions and with our intentions. Thoughts have no substance. We should notice them, but not be deterred nor controlled by them. She further explained that meditation is a way to give our true nature a break from all the noise. Man, I was hooked.
I have a big imagination. Huge. I took this drunk monkey concept and ran with it. I have a picture of him in my mind. He (yep -it’s a boy) is a small bright orange orangutan with a cigar in one hand and a drink in the other. He wears a dirty green-striped tie or a black rock and roll jersey depending on his mood. I have not named him – I don’t like him that much. We talk. Sometimes out loud. He’s drunk, so I understand his judgment is flawed and also, he is a mean drunk. I suspect there is whisky or tequila in that glass. He tells me I am fat and worthless, he whispers that my business will fail. He taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that I have lots of bills to pay this month and sneers that my partner doesn’t really love me. I let him say his peace. And I simply respond, “thank you for the concern, but I am going to be just fine.”
And then…I ignore him.
Because he is not me. He is not who I am and most importantly – He lies.
Call me crazy, but this works. He quiets down. He is not me. I am on a quest to find sukha. Please step aside sir, for there is real work to be done.
-Di
PS: Do not confuse your drunk monkey with your intuition. There is a subtle difference. Your intuition protects your true self.. If the hair on the back of your neck stands up or you get the urge to run. RUN!
Further Readings and Meditation Apps for Beginners
Both apps come with a free trial and are great places to begin quieting your monkey mind.
Headpace – Meditation made simple
Understanding the Monkey Mind & How to Live in Harmony with Your Mental Companion
Finding Happiness in an Ordinary Life 
Drunk Monkey is a dick. He is the bane of my existence. Struggling with him today as I try to take a vacation and worry about how it will impact everyone and everything around me. My job, my wallet… I feel this today.